Obstacles are Stepping Stones
April, 2023
A few months ago, I read an article about a woman who loved watching videos about people playing with farm animals, so when an opportunity presented itself to “cuddle with cows” at a local farm, she went. Sadly, her visions of petting and romping in a field with baby calves were not met and she left disappointed. Instead of being interested in the people who paid to play with them, the cows were only attentive when a food bucket was in hand.
That article reinforced why Helping Friendly Farm’s animal experience was created - to foster genuine animal interaction, in whatever form that takes. The GOATs at Helping Friendly Farm were trained using the hard work of behavior modification. When we first got the goats, they were curious and rambunctious. It wasn’t uncommon for one to jump on someone, much like a dog excited to see its owner. They did not come when called, nor did they necessarily seek human affection.
Enter operant conditioning, a form of behavioral conditioning first described by B.F. Skinner and used widely in ABA (Applied Behavior Analysis). Basically, it uses lots of reinforcement to increase desired behaviors. The reinforcements are faded over time until the desired behavior is present without the need for reinforcement. Since our target behavior was an affectionate goat, we needed to shape its behavior by reinforcing it each time the goat acted affectionately. For example, if a goat walked over and sweetly nuzzled his trainer (me), the trainer immediately made a clicking noise and rewarded the goat with a treat. After a while, I was able to make the clicking noise and the goat would purposely walk over for a treat and a neck rub. After a longer while, I only reinforced with treats intermittently. Eventually, the use of treats faded altogether and the goat just enjoyed the neck rub.
For undesired behaviors, a form of mild punishment was used. If a goat jumped up on someone, nibbled a wheelchair cord, or did something else I deemed undesired, I sprayed them in the face with water. You’d be surprised how many squirts to the face those guys got before they caught on; I definitely got faster results with the treats!!
As a parent, I have used behavioral conditioning with my kids their whole lives (and my husband for part of his 😉). Throw in some serious follow-through, planned ignoring, practical knowledge gained from Wendy Mogel’s books, Love and Logic (Fay and Cline), and working Plan B (Dr. Ross Greene) when needed, and you have a general idea of how I strive to parent.
Anyway, I have used lots of reinforcements - including verbal and nonverbal praise- to help my children accomplish tasks and hopefully become positive, contributing members of society. We all want our kids to grow up to be as independent as possible. Unfortunately, that’s not always the hand we are dealt. Sometimes independence is not possible and we pray for a strong village of support. Sometimes there are setbacks to reaching independence. No matter what subset you’re in, behavioral conditioning may be a tool to turn obstacles into stepping stones.
Due to the maddingly unpredictable nature of our childrens’ autoimmune disease, the expectations we have for independence fluctuate. If they are in a flare, and therefore physically and mentally incapacitated, there is a quick paradigm shift in our household. I usually prepare and deliver all meals, since even walking to get water can be painful or nausea inducing for them at times. I administer medicines around the clock, rub backs, get ice packs and heating pads, whisper assurances, and sometimes sleep on bedroom floors. I pick up clothes, discarded dishes, and clean trash off of floors and dressers. I search for food that can be tolerated and provide multiple kinds of hydration. I do for them what they physically and mentally can’t do for themselves. I sometimes incentivize them (read: bribe). I basically do whatever I can to get through the long days and nights until they are better.
Usually, after treatment, they pull out of these flares. Then, my intense caregiving has to morph into intense behavior modification. I have to fade the help I give them, just as I faded the treats with the goats. But while it was relatively easy for me to do with the goats, it is incredibly hard for me to do with my kids.
When they’re flaring or having infusions, I get in a mom rhythm. I kick butt at “momming.” I gain balance and superhuman strength, often carrying multiple precariously perched items and a pile of clothes down the stairs while avoiding the dogs underfoot. Finally, at the tail end of a flare or treatment, I get to stop doing everything for them. Yay, right?! Not so fast.
Instead of doing for them, I have to turn my “momming” powers into an almost constant stream of prompts and verbal rewards to reach a desired behavior, like getting food for themselves. I have to bite my tongue. I have to walk past dishes accumulating on what seems like every surface in hopes that my positive reinforcement will work and that my children will be more independent again. Many times this acute behavior modification is even more tiring than just doing whatever needs to be done myself. Nonetheless, I persevere because I know if I don’t, both the kids and my husband and I will be worse off for it.
Parenting can be exhausting. Parenting kids with complex needs can be downright draining at times. In my experience, using behavioral conditioning – rewarding, reinforcing, and fading reinforcements – can be a useful key to maintaining expectations, if not sanity. Full disclosure, I still help my kids by doing things for them sometimes, even if they are well. And, yes, I still give the goats treats every so often. They just don’t expect it and that, to me, is what is most important.
At Helping Friendly Farm, we try to set our animals and our visitors up for success- much as we, as parents, do for our children. What that success looks like varies greatly, and we celebrate each expression of it with pride. I’m appreciative of every family and group that visits HFF for letting us share in those successes.